A Text from Heaven
by Spark Writer
Summary: Sherlock is dead and finds himself shockingly in heaven. Bored with the puffy clouds and pure hearted people, he texts John to pass the time. Angst, humour, platonic Johnlock with a smidgeon of romantic Johnlock, dialogue-only fic, friendship.


_It is exquisitely boring up here._

_SH_

_..._

_No crimes in Heaven, apparently._

_SH_

_..._

_I wish I had been condemned to eternal damnation._

_SH_

_..._

_Anything would be better than cohabitating with this obedient lot. _

_Good people are so tedious, John._

_SH_

_..._

_Bored._

_SH_

_..._

_I wish I could speak to you._

_SH_

_..._

_Met Galileo last Tuesday. _

_Did you know that centripetal force_ _causes the acceleration measured on the rotating surface of Earth to differ from the acceleration that is measured for a free-falling body? _

_Fascinating. _

_SH_

_..._

_What would happen if a person ingested a mixture of equal parts nitric acid and olive oil?_

_You would know._

_SH_

_..._

_I met your mother this morning._

_I'm sorry, John._

_SH_

_..._

_Winston Churchill keeps bothering me._

_SH_

_..._

_Wants me to tell him about our adventures at Baskerville. _

_SH_

_..._

_This man is far too persistent, John._

_SH_

_..._

_He reminds me of you._

_SH_

_..._

_Bored._

_SH_

_..._

_I miss solving crimes._

_SH_

_..._

_Is Scotland Yard still tragically inept?_

_Tell Lestrade I think of him._

_SH_

_..._

_The stars were beautiful last night. I hope you saw them._

_SH_

_..._

_You look tired, John. _

_If you end up here anytime soon I shall have to kill you._

_SH_

_..._

_Tesco's has discontinued your favourite flavour of jam. Idiots._

_If I was still Down There I would write them a very stern letter expressing my distaste._

_SH_

_..._

_Do you like clouds? _

_I never asked._

_SH_

_..._

_I need somewhere quiet to get away from everyone. People keep finding me and thanking me for solving the murder that caused their death._

_Somewhat vexing. _

_SH_

_..._

_ John. I miss you horribly._

_SH_

_..._

_ Jim Morrison and Antonio Vivaldi kept me up last night with their endless orchestral rock duets._

_SH_

_..._

_I really ought to track Bach down sometime and express my admiration._

_SH_

_..._

_Thank you for polishing my violin. _

_It looks superb._

_SH_

_..._

_I miss it._

_SH_

_..._

_Was told Anderson got sacked._

_About time._

_SH_

_..._

_I wish I had been there._

_SH_

_..._

_Bored._

_SH_

_..._

_I'm glad you met Mary, John. You seem happier._

_SH_

_..._

_Really? You took her to dinner and a cinema on your first date? How cliché._

_SH_

_..._

_I'm only teasing. You and I both know that I possess the romantic capability of an aardvark._

_SH_

_..._

_I asked God if I could visit Hell. I was denied the opportunity. _

_SH_

_..._

_Would have been so interesting, though. Imagine the murders!_

_SH_

_..._

_Mycroft looks old. I wonder if I will be seeing him soon. _

_His cake obsession really has gotten out of hand. _

_SH_

_..._

_She wants to marry you, John. Ask her. She'll say yes._

_Anyone would._

_SH_

_..._

_Stop doubting yourself. I don't like it._

_SH_

_..._

_You really don't recognize your own goodness, do you?_

_SH_

_..._

_Things are about to become more interesting, John. Hell is overcrowded. God has decided to send a few people up here._

_I do hope they are very uncouth and impolite. Nothing would be more welcome after spending so much time with the pure at heart._

_SH_

_..._

_Met an angel yesterday._

_SH_

_..._

_Named Castiel, I believe._

_SH_

_..._

_You would have enjoyed him._

_SH_

_..._

_Have you heard of the Winchester's?_

_Castiel told me about them. They're from America. Demon hunters, apparently._

_SH_

_..._

_Why does that strike me as being so very American?_

_SH_

_..._

_Heard you got married. _

_I'm happy for you, John. _

_SH_

_..._

_Sorry I could not be there._

_SH_

_..._

_I really must stop apologizing for being dead._

_SH_

_..._

_It is one of those inevitabilities I will never fully accept._

_SH_

_..._

_Met your father. Very kind man._

_Like his son._

_SH_

_..._

_One can play quite a lot of hangman in Heaven. There is too much time, John, and then there is not enough._

_SH_

_..._

_I miss you and your jumpers that smelled of Earl Grey._

_I miss your uncanny ability for stating the obvious._

_SH_

_..._

_I'm glad you haven't stopped writing. You've become so good._

_SH_

_..._

_I don't belong here._

_SH_

_..._

_I wasn't meant to watch the world go round from some higher place._

_I was meant to be down in it, getting my hands dirty, using my mind and my senses and my observations until they turn to dust._

_SH_

_..._

_Met with Father today. He is as coldly unctuous in death as he was in life._

_I am repulsed._

_SH_

_..._

_It seems you have decided not to have children. I wonder why. You would have made a good father._

_SH_

_..._

_Heaven is getting on my nerves. I hope I never see you here, John. And yet I do. _

_So much._

_SH_

_..._

_Do you remember that time I dragged you along to look for traces of blood around the perimeter of a duck pond? You were irritated with me so you gave me the slightest of shoves, just enough to make me stumble into the muddy water._

_SH_

_..._

_And you laughed and laughed, even as I glared at you. You seemed so pleased with yourself, John. Then you hauled me out and offered to switch shoes, and there was something about that, something about the way you managed to poke fun at me without a single ounce of venom that I never forgot._

_SH_

_..._

_I need a cigarette._

_SH_

_..._

_John, there are so many things I should have said. _

_SH_

_..._

_You were the only friend I ever had._

_SH_

_..._

_I did not deserve you. _

_SH_

_..._

_Thank you, anyway._

_SH_

_..._

_For everything._

_SH_

_..._

_Mycroft arrived last night. He is still worryingly pudgy._

_SH_

_..._

_There is no cake in Heaven._

_SH_

_..._

_He won't be happy when I tell him._

_SH_

_..._

_Shakespeare says hello._

_SH_

_..._

_I am so bored, John. I miss you. _

_SH_

_..._

_I can't find one goddamn cigarette in this divine establishment. _

_No nicotine patches, either._

_Greg isn't going to last a day here._

_SH_

_..._

_Met with Mummy. She cried._

_I don't understand it._

_SH_

_..._

_Wish you would hurry up. But please don't come too quickly._

_SH_

_..._

_I like to believe that death had made me better, but it seems only to have made me sentimental._

_I resent it, John._

_SH_

_..._

_ You are getting old. How marvelous._

_If only I had gotten the chance._

_SH_

_..._

_Bored._

_SH_

_..._

_Mrs Hudson is constantly worried that her husband will escape from Hell and come find her._

_I am doing my best to quiet her fears._

_I wish you were here, John. I'm not good at this._

_SH_

_..._

_Being an old man doesn't suit you._

_It's nearly time._

_SH_

_..._

_You are my best friend; did I ever tell you that?_

_Truly._

_SH_

_..._

_Stubborn to the last, aren't you?_

_I suppose I love you anyway._

_SH_

_..._

_You are done fighting, my dear John._

_Come home._

_SH_


End file.
